I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Randomize
