well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
