youre lurking in front of me
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
