we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
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