i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
