did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
someone owes me an orgasm
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize
