Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
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