The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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