somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I could fuck to npr.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
