If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
