I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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