I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
