How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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