Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
