i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
