So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
