It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
