I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
