she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
