You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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