Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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