youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
