Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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