I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
