ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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