if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
