if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
