talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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