I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
