Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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