I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
