Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
