I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Randomize
