I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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