just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
