I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
my liver is dry heaving
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
