So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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