why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
