You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
