Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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