I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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