wrigley field is MILF paradise
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
