I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
