Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
We named our party play list daddy issues
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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