Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
