i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
