I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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