Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
