Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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