Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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