I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize