i just wanna soil my oats bro
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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