I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
