And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
