I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
