he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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