Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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