SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Randomize
