atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
