I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
